The Unraveling and Divine interruptions
It was a strange foggy morning, and I was grasping the wheel of my car and could not move… It felt like a dejavu. Tears came gushing out and fear gripped my soul and body. So, I recomposed myself and said, took the wheel and drove away. It’s just a test. It’s nothing. I am ok.
Last time I had this feeling was two years ago and my life was hanging in the balance. The news was bad, the “C” word, and yet there was good in it, because the tumor was contained miraculously in one area, as though it was kept by God’s sovereign hand from spreading. We did everything in the book, chemo, radiation, surgeries, and we prayed a lot. And God has brought me through all of that with fire in my soul, making me stronger for it. Because He was good to me. So very good! The scans confirmed I was all clear exactly a year ago, and I was glad all that turmoil was finally behind me.
Later that fall of 2016, mysterious fevers began to appear, we thought it was not right, but no one could tell the reason. Then early this spring, pain knocked on my door. It came suddenly overnight and never left. There came nights of so much burning pain in my legs and so much agony, that it took everything to keep myself from screaming. Many nights were filled with weeping and restless wondering, because there was no resting to my body from so much ache. Sleep ran from me. I went from doctor to doctor, with minor relief here and there, that did not last. Things kept getting worse. Excruciating, debilitating, unbearable pain! It could only somewhat be contained with medication, only for short chunks of time. I finally persuaded myself to go the one doctor I did not want to visit (even though he was a really good doctor). He only heard two things “fever” and “bone pain”, and swiftly ordered a bone scan. If you know the drill – radioactive injection, quick scan, waiting game…
I drove myself to the big city to see the doctor about the results, and I was going to get the quick synopsis and reaffirmation that everything is ok, and all is well. I bravely walzed into the office, saw the doctor come in…
“We have found lesions in your spine, hips, right femur and knee, and pelvic bone….”
The room went spinning….
“We have to do a bone biopsy…”
“There will be no most likely no cure, but we may contain it for a while with chemo…”
I only could ask so many questions and only take in so much that day. I was alone, which made it harder. How I wished D was with me… I braved the wheel and can’t remember how I drove back home. Shaken. In complete and utter disbelief.
We often grieve what might be. And surely the grieving came. But the beautiful thing is, as children of our good, good Father, we can’t stay there. D came with me to the next doctor visit, and everything was confirmed. Cancer metastasized into my bones. I hate cancer! But this time we were more prepared to hear it, and having my loving husband and friend by my side did make it easier. WE took a walk by the make-shift waterfall, and sat on a little garden bench for a while, and just held each other. There were tears and sorrow, but also hope and a fight. It did not matter that the doctor said I had 5-10 years… We were not going to hang on his word. We made a choice to hold onto God’s word. He decides our destiny. He has our times in His hands. Agreeing with the doctor’s synopsis would mean defeat. But we have Jesus! We have Jehovah Rapha!
His Word became our food. His promise is that we would live by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God. After all, there was very little the doctors could do for me now, and they no longer gave any promise of life or a cure. Stage IV in medical terms means countdown. It means, your years are numbered. Although, if we take an honest look, all of our earthly days are numbered. We all know it. Even though we don’t like to face it. But for us, children of God, passing from earthly bodies to the eternal glory with Jesus is a beautiful joyful prospect! Our lives are not our own, and it’s a beautiful thing. “But for me to live is Christ, and to die is gain…”, is something I had to settle in my heart. I had to settle that even if healing didn’t come, “He is still good”. But you know what, it is not over!
I often wonder why we pray it afraid. Why we ask for a miracle but we don’t really expect it… I want to seek His face and I want to find Him! Because when we pray, “Your kingdom come, Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven…”, we often forget that there is no sickness in heaven. On earth, as it is in heaven… Because “He has borne our grief and carried our sickness”. And “by His stripes we WERE healed”. Because over two years ago, before I ever knew that I was sick, He woke me up many nights and called my heart to pray, and showed me in His word, “Your faith has made you whole”. Yes, I have come to know Him through these years in the fellowship of His suffering; in that brokenness, He brought out a new song of praise. Now, I am ready to know Him as my mighty Warrior who has overcome on my behalf, Who fights my battles, and Whose nature is to heal and restore what is broken.
No, He has not failed me, or failed to heal me. I believe He simply has not finished yet the good work He was doing of making me WHOLE in Him. This has now become a time of not just seeking Him for healing, but seeking Him because He is all I ever want and all that matters, and that is the only way this life is meant to be. The only way I want it.